THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE TODDLER

It has been one of those days.  One where I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry.  We don't have many rough days around here.  And I don't usually share them with people when we do.  But I feel like it's only fair to share a little bit and be real.  From the day Everly was born she has always been an absolute joy.  Easiest baby ever.  Chad and I tell ourselves all the time how lucky we are to have such an amazing, perfect baby.  She has brought more happiness to our lives than we ever knew was possible.  But this transition into toddlerhood.  Guys, I'm struggling this week. 

It's no secret that I wish to be a stay-at-home mom.  But after evaluating the things that were important to us, I decided it would be best to continue my career path.  The working mom guilt has always weighed heavy on me when I leave every morning, ever since the day I finished maternity leave.  I sometimes cry on my way to work, especially during the days Everly refuses to let me go.

But now we are in a phase where Everly cries when I pick her up from daycare.  Yes, my child now cries when she has to go home.  If she doesn't cry, at best I get no reaction at all out of her.  I open the door to greet her and she just walks right on by.  Nice.

I so desperately long for the days when her face would light up at the sight of me walking through the door and run straight into my arms.  Don't get me wrong, this is an obvious sign that we chose the absolute best daycare to care for my baby when I am working.  Everly loves her teachers, and I do too.  And she spends more time with them than she does me.  But talk about crushing a mother's heart.  I mean at least a high five or an acknowledgement of my existence would do wonders for me baby girl.  This used to be the time of day that got me through work.  Seeing and feeling how missed I was by her, it just warmed my heart.

So after I fight to put her in the car seat and bring her home against her will, we spend the rest of the night fighting.  This chick is so emotional and sensitive.  *insert Chad's eye rolling and amens here as he has to live with an entire house full of emotional and sensitive women*  Okay child, I will eventually give in and give you a drink of my sweet tea.  I may even choose to not fight the battle of letting you put crayons in your mouth.  But I refuse, REFUSE, to let you play with the toilet bowl brush.  Sorry chick.  You're just going to have to throw a fit on the floor over that one.

This week she refuses to give kisses half the time and sometimes doesn't even want us to touch her.  She'll even catch you making eye contact with her and she'll say "nooooo!"  What?! But if you leave the room, she loses her marbles.  She doesn't want you to touch her.  Don't even look at her.  But you better not leave the room either.  You're messing with my mind girlfriend.

And part of this, I tell myself, is because she's exhausted at the end of the day.  She really is.  She falls asleep in the car on the way home within seconds almost every day.  We live maybe three miles from daycare.  So after putting Everly to bed a solid thirty minutes early last night I thanked the Lord for letting me be her mommy, locked myself in the bathroom, and cried.  The measly two hours out of the day I got with my little girl was a total and complete struggle.

Typically four out of the five work days of the week are not like this at all.  She woke up this morning and greeted me with a smile.  Rested her head on my shoulder and held tight to my arm.  We laughed and played for a few minutes as I savored her good mood.  But alas, it was time to start the day over and head back to work.  Fingers crossed pick up goes better today.  I don't know if my heart can take many more of yesterday.  Chad may have to start picking her up.  But I am so looking forward to the weekend, spending quality time with my baby girl, and the passing of this phase.