With Everly's second birthday right around the corner, talk of baby number two has become inevitable. Conversations among Chad and I in addition to pressure from friends and family have begun. I go through spells of being ready and then not. I've always imagined I would want multiple children. I came from a big family and absolutely love it. Honestly though, I'm terrified.
Everly's arrival completely rocked my world. The instant we arrived home it felt like the world came crashing down on me. I have experienced complete sadness, loss and heartbreak many times throughout my life. But the depression I experienced after giving birth was unlike anything I had ever felt before.
Everly's arrival completely rocked my world. The instant we arrived home it felt like the world came crashing down on me. I have experienced complete sadness, loss and heartbreak many times throughout my life. But the depression I experienced after giving birth was unlike anything I had ever felt before.
I cried uncontrollably throughout the entire day, for no reason at all. I was terrified of my new life. I felt lonely and lost. I could be in a room full of people and still feel like I was a million miles away, all alone. The day Chad left for work took my depression to a new level. I was so afraid we would never be the same again, that he would never love me the same again. The fear and sadness completely took over my mind and body. I could not eat. I could not sleep. I was pre-baby weight within days of having Everly. It terrified me. Could I even do this whole "mother" thing?
My effort to breastfeed only made it worse. I felt dehumanized, ugly. I felt like this baby was using me, not loving me. I never wanted to leave the house. And even when family and friends came to visit I had to shut myself in a room by myself while I pumped to allow everyone to meet the baby. The lack of sleep and exhaustion began to take a toll on me.
But as the weeks passed by I began to slowly feel like myself again. We finally got into a routine. Within a month Everly slept for the majority of the night, only waking up once for a feeding and quickly falling back asleep. My body began to take shape again and I stopped breastfeeding. Our lives started to feel normal again, a new normal. My relationship with Everly grew a million times over as my emotional state began to heal. She began to interact with me and smile. I fell madly and deeply in love with my baby girl. Chad began to thrive as a new dad as well and it made me even more crazy about him. We finally felt like a family.
So now the questions begin. Will baby #2 change my relationship with Everly? Am I ready to share myself? Can I even love the next baby as much as Everly? Am I prepared to see the heartbreak in Everly's eyes when I can't hold her because I'm holding a new baby? Will I feel the same sadness I felt after giving birth to Everly?
How did you know you were ready for baby number two?
But as the weeks passed by I began to slowly feel like myself again. We finally got into a routine. Within a month Everly slept for the majority of the night, only waking up once for a feeding and quickly falling back asleep. My body began to take shape again and I stopped breastfeeding. Our lives started to feel normal again, a new normal. My relationship with Everly grew a million times over as my emotional state began to heal. She began to interact with me and smile. I fell madly and deeply in love with my baby girl. Chad began to thrive as a new dad as well and it made me even more crazy about him. We finally felt like a family.
So now the questions begin. Will baby #2 change my relationship with Everly? Am I ready to share myself? Can I even love the next baby as much as Everly? Am I prepared to see the heartbreak in Everly's eyes when I can't hold her because I'm holding a new baby? Will I feel the same sadness I felt after giving birth to Everly?
How did you know you were ready for baby number two?
Baby #2 will change everything. But just as you adjusted to baby #1, everyone will adjust to having #2. You will definitely love the next one as much as Everly. It sounds like you had some rough post-partum that you should discuss with your doc before #2 comes. Dont rush baby 2. Enjoy Everly. Don't cave to what everyone else feels you should do. There was no heartbreak in Hannah's eyes as she held her brother but she was old enough to understand. They have an unbreakable bond. We all have a vision of what we think motherhood looks like and it's never how it really is. Don't get caught up with it being perfect. I will have to say my experience with baby 2 was much better after than with 1. I knew the ropes and wasn't as afraid. While #2 changed or life we wouldn't want life without him.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the reassurance Stacy! I hope Everly loves being a big sister as much as sweet Hannah :)
DeleteI know she will. It may take time to find your new normal but hang in there...it'll come.
DeleteYour honesty about your postpartum is very refreshing. I had the same thing happen to me and it's so nice to hear others share that they were as sad and terrified and ashamed as I was. Henry is about to be two in June and Logan and I are going to try for baby #2 this fall. I'm trying not to overthink it. If God thinks I am ready to take this on, I know I can. I've prayed about it a lot and I'm ready to have another another joyful little nugget running around the house. I know it will be so hard, but the postpartum is temporary and I'll be far more prepared this time around - including having a plan with my doctor when those scary feelings creep up again.
ReplyDeleteNo one ever warned me about the ugly side of postpartum! So I'm so glad I'm not alone! You are definitely right though, God will bring us peace and clarity when the time is right for number 2.
DeleteI don't think you are ever ready! I personally didn't experience baby blues so my experience is different. But I will be honest! It's heart wrenching that first time they cry because you can't hold them because you are with new baby. That's where anxiety came in for me, instead of depression. I couldn't take Grace to places that I normally did because I was so anxious on how I would manage with both kiddos! But...she was 2 when he was born and she instantly loved him! She wanted to help, which gave me added anxiety! It's tough! I loved Grace so much that I couldn't imagine loving another baby the same, but I did. Your new normal will take time, but now I couldn't imagine our life any different! They are 12 and 9 now and the things we are able to do together trumps all that anxiety I had in the beginning!!! Thank you for your raw honesty! More women need to hear this!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Mandy! You have such a beautiful family. Hopefully Everly will enjoy helping as much as Grace did. I'm sure I'll need all I can get!
DeleteOh goodness! Sometimes I just want to hug you and reassure you that everything will be ok. What you're feeling is the same as many mommas that found themselves in your situation. It sounds like you may have had some postpartum depression, but keep in mind that your body chemistry and hormones are re-adjusting and that will leave you feeling many of the things you described. But be sure to let your OB know of your experience. Bless your heart, Kristen. There is no easy answer about when to expand your family other than to do so when you and Chad feel you are ready. Don't let the pressure from outside influence your decision. After all, you're the one raising them babies! Breastfeeding was challenging, but very glad I stuck with it. When you see that Everly will be an amazing big sister, you will fall in love with her all over again. Things do seem easier with the second baby, and third! Your blog is honest and precious! If only we had this when my babies were younger!
ReplyDeleteI just love you Paula :)
DeleteI didn't experience baby blues quite on the same level as you but I can somewhat relate. While I can't wait to add more babies to our family, I do worry a little bit about how it will be for me (sometimes one feels out of control!!) as well as how it will be for Ellia. But then I think about how much I loved growing up with a sister and know that it'll certainly be an adjustment at first, but we will all adapt and love having some new additions in our family! It might be totally crazy, but I can't even imagine the love that would come with having multiple babies after having one. I'm just trying to keep in mind that it'll happen when it's supposed to happen and am trying to ignore the pressure from others as best I can. :)
ReplyDeleteI love how your sharing all this Kristen. I didn't experience baby blues but my bond with Addilyn was and still is extremely close so I definitely had some serious anxiety about the delivery of baby number two.I was always the one to do everything for Addilyn from feeding her to being always the one to lay her down for bed so I had anxiety about being in the hospital away from Addilyn. When Addilyn came to see the baby, I cried my eyes out when Addilyn didn't want anything to do with the baby, she loves babies at grandmas house, but wouldn't even look at Elli at the hospital and kept telling me "come on mom" wanting to leave.
ReplyDeleteOnce we got home, everything changed. Addilyn started to pay attention to Elli and wanted to hold her and used her usual lines "kisses, hugs" which also made me cry because it was so adorable!!! Now Timmy has had to step in a lot and take Addilyn to bed while I stay with Elli and when we go out and about its double parenting all the time. Things have changed but we have adapted :) Addilyn isn't two yet but she already loves being a big sis and I have somewhat figured out how to hold Elli while still play with Addilyn :) it's hard and I have had moments when both girls are crying at me wanting to be held and I just have to go with the flow and try my best to give both girls attention. I saw an earlier comment about how hard it is to go places and that's so true! I took the girls to the park alone for the first time and I felt like I had ran a marathon lol I was so exhausted yet proud of myself. At the end of the day it's all worth it. I looked at Elli last night and I truly wondered how is it possible to love both girls just as much and so much! It's not easy but it's so worth it! Most importantly, having the kids close in age will give her someone to play with. You couldn't give Everly a better gift ��